Well time for another update I guess. This is mostly going to be a sort of rant explaining myself so feel free to just ignore this all, you won't have missed much, it's mostly for myself.

Things are still pretty M'eh at the moment, I'm actually waiting to hear back on some jobs which is improvement but none have answered yet. Other things around me seem to have stabalised for now but I'm not quite sure for how long. I guess time will tell eh?

I know most of my updates lately haven't really been the chipper and happy things that people like to read about, and that's actually for a reason.

Some of you know already, but for those who don't, I'm a long time sufferer of depression. This is something I used to keep a close secret to me because it was the only thing I cared about what people thought, afterall the stigma associated with mental problems is rather off putting. However lately I don't feel like hiding it anymore, because it just means I'm turning my back on people, and what's the point in that? My depression is really quite severe, and while it might not be constant, it strikes me often enough to be a real pain in the ass. Luckily I don't seem to go through the self harming that people do, physically anyway. I hurt myself on a more emotional level by turning my back on my friends and walking away from them. For those who've had to put up with that, I'm sorry. For those who will have to put up with it in future, I'm sorry.

A friend of mine told me that this won't even hope to get better unless I work out what might be causing it and do what I can do fix it. I spent a long time trying to work it out, because I don't know if the reasons I come up with are a cause or a sympton of it. Now though, I seem to have come up with an answer and again, I'm posting here more for my sake, just to get it out there and said.

I've always maintained that I want to be who I am and do what I want, regardless of what people think. However it wasn't quite that simple. I've always wanted to mean something to someone, anyone. Not these standard issue friends that are simply decent to have around. I know it sounds pathetic but just once, to just one person, I wanted to be someone special. If you think about it, that's fair enough. We all want to feel we mean something and that people want to be around us. What I need to come to terms with is that I'm not someone special. I sometimes doubt I'm even average. I'm a decent person I know that but it takes more, and that more is something I don't think I'll ever have. I'm a decent conversationalist, I'm reliable and I care. But so what? Most people are. And that's where my depression comes from, from both wanting to be important yet realising I'm pretty much nothing. And to all of those who are going to post otherwise in an attempt to be nice, don't, you know it's true and you're only doing me a disservice. So yeah, if I ever want to get over this, I need to accept that I'm pretty much going to be a fly on the wall most of the time, watching everyone else joke and laugh and forge those important bonds. And you know what? I think I'll be able to. It's not going to be easy though, but in this day and age, nothing is.

And there we are. That's why I've been so down lately and I hope that for those who read it, it cleared a few things up. Doesn't matter if it didn't know, I simply wanted to get this out somewhere and stop hiding it before it destroyed me from the inside out. I don't know how long it will take, but eventually I intend to get through this. Though there's every chance I'm not going to be the same person at the end of it, however after everything I've said, I'm not sure that's such a bad thing.

Until next time.